Lately i've been thinking about a change. i need deep, dark, because i am shallow. i need thrown, because i am kept. i need cover, becuase i am cold. i need paint.

so i climb into my metal cocoon and flutter past madonna's golden tits across train tracks into HomeDepot's strategically unfunctional parking lot. walk straight up to the first "Hi, my name is burnt-orange side swept white word apron wearing man" and ask him where i can find a color to cover up misery, because honey, i AM miserable.. but he nods and i realize what i actually said was "dark shit color brown" and he leads me to a quaint little section and hands me a quaint little HomeDepot aluminum can being strangled by what i know CANNOT be a recyclable piece of material and while i stand blindsided to "I can't afford to buy a tupay because i work in the fucking paint department" man, and outline my mindmap mountain of arguments i plan to square off with the manufcaturer of this stupid nonrecyclable candystriped spanish first enlgish late fucking label, i feel everything slipping from my hands. my color, my relief, my personal safety blanket... 

that is until i realize its probably time to leave. i've already spent the other half of my brain wondering which percentage of the 50 cents spent on that "AIDS research" pin really went to the cause? and how much really went to that Armani suit and his Tiffani's wife? the tourette's lady in back is already getting ticky.

nonetheless, i reach my poor excuse of a room which would better be classified as a "cave dwelling for lost infidels" i sit my 4 dollar and 62 cent paint can on the desk (my OCD can't handle is on the floor) and starting retching myself all over the walls. i vomit on the ceiling. i spit up on the plaster, i wheeze on the door. i freeze at the picture.

oh yes, like all else in my life, a speck of imperfection shines through big enough to grow into my eye socket and couse me the exact anxiety attack i was trying to avoid in the first place for on this nonreclycable, nonbiodegradable, non-thank-you-very-fucking-much-for-saving-the-earth fucking picture is exactly what i bought this paint to cover up.

i know it's not me, i look way too chinesse. and i know its not you because you look way too mexican. it, nonetheless, does exactly what it's supposed to. i am right back at the last three days of school before you cut all your nappy black hair off, and we're secretly sneaking prayers to God that it doesn't look "Gay" and when it's finally gone, it doesn't look at all "homosexual" but i am still reminded that i didn't fall in love with your hair..

yet, with the memory of it all gone, makes me realize that the only "gone" is the fascade. and i already knew painting over you would always mean painting over me. and so, in shit color brown and false identities, i outline every glimpse you ever held and every moment i'll ever touch.

without you, my world is a decoupage of homeless kids and HIV victims. without you, my world is shit color brown. without you, there would be no one to see past the paint.




-that was ramblings at four in the morning that spit out of my head i planned on using for slam. i'm not sure now.

mood: crappy

Meet me in outer space
WE could spend the night
Watch the earth come up
I've grown tired of that place
Won't you come with me?
We could start again

How do you do it?
Make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew

Meet me in outer space
I will hold you close
If you're afraid of heights
I need you to see this place
It might be the only way
That I can show you how
It feels to be inside of you

How do you do it?
Make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew

You are stellar

2. I Miss You by Incubus

You do something to me that I can't explain
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you?

I see your picture
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days
But already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you

3. 11 A.M. by Incubus

11 a.m.
By now you would think that I would be up
But my bedsheets shade the heat of choices I've made
And what did I find?
I never thought I could want someone so much
Cause now you're not here and I'm knee deep in that old fear
Forgive my indecision
I am only a man

4. Echo by Incubus

There's something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight

5. This Flesh A Tomb by Atreyu

I feel eyelashes on my cheek
And they lacerate my flesh
A pain so good
Put your hand in mine
Never let go
Never wake up 'cause I'm done with promises
I'm taking blood oaths
Feels likes you could kiss my imperfections
My imperfections away
And I would stand
Stand by your side until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes

I'll never need to see the sun again
There's enough light in your eyes to light up our little world
So take me, take my away
Kill me slowly, I'll never be the same

I swear to you, on everything I am
And I dedicate to you all that I have
And I promise you that I will stand right by your side
Forever and always until the day I die

The bite marks on my neck never felt so good
I'm losing control and it's all that I can do
Not to blackout and fall into lust with you
Your kisses infect me
The dark gift is loving you

And I feel immortal and I want to make you feel the same
So stand by me as we immolate
We can burn in each other's arms

6. The Fool by He Is Legend

It's dark and cool there tonight
I feel fine
And if kissing the fool makes it right
I feel fine sweetheart

Four years ago I never loved a thing
And four years later I've got a reason to sing

7. All Of Us by Blindside

As soon as you stepped through my door,
I saw You for the first time all over again.
And time well spent seems
Lonelier than the way it used to go.

As I smell you for the first time all over again
I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to bleed.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I've felt a loss for some time
I slipped, stumbled, but fell face first
straight into your hand.
Then I hit my head on your palm
And waking up to the smell
Of tears drying up in the sand

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I just ...

All of us are searching for an open arm
Well, it's a shame how I pull myself apart.
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your arms.

mood: sleepy music: Endwell

wow. i just got home from the Atreyu show with Chiodos, Everytime I Die, and From First To Last with alaina. it was amazing.  Chiodos sounded exactly like they do on cd and we were right in the middle. then Everytime I Die went on and were awesomeness but it was routy we went to side and drank some water. there was also a big, fat c*** in front of us so we had to find other accomodations. that totally was an awesome idea since we ended up getting right up to the gate in the middle for FromFirst To Last and Atreyu. From First To Last had awesome stage presence and were pretty good. Atreyu was nice but they had ALOT of sound problems which sucked. me and alaina also met a security guard who likes hXc/metalcore, works out three times a day, and was a fucking BOUNTY-HUNTER. how crazy... overall, i really had fun. it helped get my mind off upsetting matters, which i needed. 
    oh and i also ran into jesse, amanda, and jessica which was awesome. much love.

mood: annoyed music: incubus-make yourself

it's amazing how easily people can annoy me. i must have a sign on my forehead that says.. "cait.. piss her off RIGHT NOW". and you know what, honestly, i feel like i'm a generally nice person and i dont think i deserve as much havoc that roles my way. and i keep trying to eliminate the hectic in my life that troubles me and its like.. completely useless and never works. i only eliminate things that i need.. like good friends.
    it's also pretty ironic how the only person who can ever make me feel better when i'm feeling upset and stressed.. which is 99% of the time.. is ME. no one else can do it or even come close. maybe thats just because i know what i need and no one else understands what that is.. which would be a decent explanation but somehow i feel like when i'm upset i shouldnt have to play fixer-up as well. whatever, life is fucked, you get over it and then you die. 
    on that topic, i've also realized that i will not ever depend on anyone to make me feel better ever again because it's useless. 
    another thing is that somehow i feel like the world has a personal vendetta against me. alot of things that i look forward to end up getting fucked and that just sucks. i'm tired of conforming for everyone else and their fucking issues. can't a girl just go out and have a little fun once in awhile?! apparently not.. 
    i think my new goal as of right now is to enter back into my life things that used to make me happy that i forfeited for other things.. certain people, certain passtimes, etc. ive given up alot of good friends in the past year and i want to change that. or perhaps the best thing for me to do is pick up and start over, god knows i have the chance, what is keeping me here? i have no idea. i hope one day it pays off but i'm not sold yet.
    RANDOM: i got that incubus cd "make yourself" and i like it alot. it makes me happy. thats a treasure. 
    ALSO: i just came back from Turkey and it was amazing. the people were so kind and i didn't have to care about anything for an entire week. if only everyone could have an experience like that. i will definitely be traveling alot especially after that trip. its really amazing to leave your life and wake up some place fresh and new. 
    i think another thing i will have to come to terms with is the fact that there mostlikely isn't anyone out there to completely tolerate who i am and what i need. this therefore means that i will be alone or have to comform. well, i don't like to give up parts of myself..  and i think i can fully capable of supporting myself because i know, despite what other try to say, that i am strong. 

i love the people who matter most and fuck everyone else. 

mood: nostalgic music: placebo

    tonight my eyes are burning like chlorine water. maybe it's an after effect from yesterday. maybe it's still seeped into my bloodstream, probably waiting to come back out once the time is right. does this count? probably. things are better when they are extreme. you should know that. write it down.
    i don't really know why i'm upset right now. i know it has to do with the "other half", but i'm not sure the exact reason. he's the only person who has ever made me cry this much. i feel like every time i do, i loose more of my ability to care for him. i won't use the word "love" because i'm not sure how to. whenever i do use it when concerning him, it seems empty. grossly empty. and when i say it outloud, especially to him, it suddenly seems heavy, but i don't think it's for the reasons one would suspect. it's mostlikely something awesome (i mean this in the sense of exaggerating the word "awe" instead of just "wonderful"). probably because i don't allow myself to use it for people like him. people i'm "involved" with.
    what does that really mean? "involved" is such a strange term. it seems inhumane at first but much more appropriate for the people it refers to in the end. "involved" is an underrated word commonly covered by the word "love", which is precisely why i don't use it. "love" can easily become an empty thing, as it seems so often to me. "involved" will always mean exactly what you want it to mean: deeply connected in some way, shape, or form and renders the user as utterly affected no matter what the circumstances are.
    for instance, most believe that a purely physical relationship emotionally unattaches both parties when in reality, it does the opposite. because there is no initial attachment emotionally, the sex then in turn fulfills that and confuses both. the two inevitably mistake each other's true feelings and are lost in a relationship they honestly can't handle.
    as you can imagine, "involved" would connect both parties, dispite what the other feels or thinks. to mistake this situation as "love" usually results in one individual actually feeling the emotion and the other totally oblivious.
    back to the situation at hand (and one just as utterly confusing). my current "involvement" have resulted in stress, boredom, and binging on everything i find repulsive. sex, sleep, television, and eating no longer seem to satisfy me. i find myself wondering the real reason we're both in this relationship and if either is truely happy. yes, there are joyous times, but when asked "can you say you love me", the answer is unfortunately "no". when asked to describe one thing that sustains the relationship, the answer is blank. this is disheartening, as you can imagine. where i, on the other hand, can formulate a number of reasons within questioning (and a number to justify an end).
    is this beginning to sound like the physical relationship to you? perhaps it should. unfortunately, it seems as if both parties are on completely different pages, perhaps not even in the same book (i say this metaphorically).
    as sad as it is, i cannot seem to rench myself from this awful predicament nor find a solution. people say you can't change another. i think the only one changing is myself.